May the Force be with you
It’s been some time since I’ve written about something personal, but it feels like the things I’ve been going through would help others who have also been in a dark place, so today I’m speaking from my own voice and experience.
We are all very complicated in our make up. At times I have felt like I was caught up in a tornado that was swirling with everything I thought, felt, and feared. None of it made sense. All of it seemed disconnected. At one time or another, we all feel conflicted and unable to make choices for fear of what they may bring.
My divorce was final in Oct 2011. After relocating my life, beginning a new career, becoming a stepmom, and having to struggle to keep it all together for so long, I had to re-relocate back with family and figure out who I was. I thought I was a colossal failure. How could I have been so stupid to uproot my entire life, only to have it come crashing down in so many pieces?
I tried my hardest to make peace with the situation, and find a way to move through it, without doing any additional harm. I remained calm and decided my best course of action was to create a timeline and a plan that would allow me to transition back home to live with family and regroup. I mustered a sense of certainty that allowed me to have difficult conversations, and make difficult choices as if I were running business. It all made good sense.
Once I was home, something changed. You know that feeling of calm that you experience when a volatile situation arises and you are able to handle it with surprising ease- only to crack into a million pieces once it’s all been resolved? That’s what happened to me. I experienced nights of sleeplessness, and when I could sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night with a sense of dread and panic that I couldn’t control. “What have I done? What happened to me?” I tried to maintain my composure, but underneath it all, I was fractured and I felt like I wasn’t valued. I doubted all of the decisions I made that lead up to what felt like one big disaster. I turned inward and in my spiritually-minded way, I spent a lot of time reflecting on things. I got a routine started that would create a sense of normalcy. I thought I was doing okay, but in my desire to move forward, I was bypassing my pain in favor of ‘positive thoughts,’ and distractions that kept me from seeing that I needed to heal from what had transpired.
It’s been almost 5 years since then, and I’m here to tell you that no matter how much you want to move through and past the things that broke you and caused you trauma, sometimes only time can heal your wounds. If you are lucky, you will find that people will come into your life that will show you things about yourself that really need your attention. But if you are not ready to see them, once again, only time will bring you that wisdom. And what is the wisdom that came? I quote Yoda-
You must unlearn what you have learned.
Truth: Before I went through all of this, I was in the most amazing place in my personal development. I had a career in massage therapy that gave me a true sense of purpose My work was both intensely personal as well as rewarding. I was healing people from physical pain, but in addition, my loving attitude created a space for people to open up to me with their worries, emotional baggage, and insecurities. I listened with a non-judgmental heart. I saw each of my clients as a soul in a body, trying to do their best to find their way in the world, and I was happy to be a stop on their journey. I offered a sense of unconditional acceptance and found that my job was more than a job, but a calling to be of service.
This all came to a hault with the divorce. In my mind, I thought I could never be less than what I had grown into, and yet it is only within the last 5 months that I can truly see what became of me. My lack of confidence in making decisions threw me into a downward spiral of low self-esteem. I found my spiritual gifts were becoming less accessible, and that made me further lose my sense of purpose and certainty. Everything around me seemed to reinforce this new viewpoint that I had little value, and that no one would see me as lovable. After all, if I was so lovable and wonderful, how could someone cast me aside so easily? I felt like I had been disposed of. What’s worse than being rejected by another? Harboring a deep personal rejection of yourself.
Timing is everything.
The last few months have been the most painful of my life- and that’s saying something. I’ve never cried so many tears, and I didn’t know I had so many inside me that I could cry. I withdrew and sank down to a dark space where I thought about all of the things that have happened trying to figure out what was wrong with me. One person pulled me out of it, in a single conversation. It was as if I had received a download that updated my whole system. I had clarity. I began sleeping again. I felt a sense of happiness that previously had eluded me. I had a defect in my processing system that was blocking my ability to perceive being loved. I did not know it, and up until that moment, I could not see it.
Sometimes the answer is right in front of you, but you cannot see it until you are ready.
I’m writing this today, because so many of you feel you are in a dark place, full of conflict and confusion. It’s okay to be in that place. It doesn’t mean you are a damaged, broken thing. It means you are human, and you are struggling to understand your place in the world, and how you fit in to the grand scheme of things. It is normal to feel anxious, and worried. You are not ending. You will continue. The tides come in and out, and no one ever thinks there’s something wrong when they see it. But with humans, we perceive that we must be ‘this’ or ‘that’ or something is wrong. Embrace your fears, and you will find that when you allow them to make themselves known, they reveal their purpose.
If you are afraid, it’s okay to admit it, and to reach out for help and feedback. Situations and relationships can heal and repair. Not everything that is painful or makes you feel uncomfortable is meant as a sign to leave them behind. I do believe that we have a purpose here, and that purpose can be as simple as being there in a time of uncertainty and darkness for other people, or to hang in there for someone who needs your support. It does not make them weak, and it doesn’t make you a sucker. These labels and judgements are the reason we keep ourselves stuck and fearful. Giving in to your heart’s desires does not make you a fool. Please stop believing that. Your heart is the true place that hears the words of God. God isn’t concerned with your station in life, or what kind of car you drive. God, or perhaps a more appropriate name to use, the Force, is always there, speaking to us.
Luke Skywalker was always surrounded by the Force, but it was only when he was made aware of it by Obi-Wan Kenobi, that he could choose to listen ot it, and let it flow through him. But being aware is only the first step. It was Yoda who showed him how to use it.
So how is it that I got from my divorce and current personal discovery to Star Wars and the Force? I’ve been thinking a lot about Star Wars, and felt inspired to watch the original trilogy, and notice things that I previously didn’t see– once again, timing is everything. I reluctantly admit, that I actually love it. The first time I saw Star Wars was 1977 at the drive-in with my parents. I sat in the back seat of our purple Dodge Charger in my Howdy Doody pajamas and watched in amazment as spaceships traveled throughout the galaxy, and incredible battles were being fought until my tiny eyes fell heavy with sleep. I’m 41 now, and I’m awake, watching again and seeing things that I couldn’t see before because I am now in a different place.
Confessions of a Spirit Messenger 