Confessions of a Spirit Messenger

Authenticity is a huge theme in my life, as I believe it is for many of you who follow my writing.  I’d like to share a bit of my own journey with you as a way of connecting to those of you who I don’t know personally.

If you haven’t yet seen the movie, “I Feel Pretty,” go watch it.  It’s the perfect expression of how we hold ourselves back.  We go through life like Mockingbirds, singing the songs we hear back to those who enjoy the sound of their own song.  We strive to be ‘good enough’ to run with the people we see as ideal, when, in fact, they are anything but-  because they are part of the same energy.

As a child, I remember being confused a lot.  I have always had a sense for what is going on beneath the surface with others.  I’d try my hardest to quiet that inner knowing and go with what my 5 senses told me was real.  Every time I believed something based on that logic, I’d find myself regretting it.  I couldn’t explain what I knew, and that made it more confusing.  I once remember telling a family member that I “used to be big (as in an adult)” and remember being told that I was wrong about that. This made me doubt myself.

I remember another instance when I was in 5th grade, and the teacher had left the room.  I was fooling around, like all the other kids, and when the teacher came back in she glared at me and I felt an inch tall.  She later told my parents that she came back to the classroom to an ‘ungodly’ laugh.  It was mine.  Another instance that planted a seed of doubt, and this time, silence.

Sometimes when I ask Spirit for help with a situation, I am shown these memories in my mind’s eye.  Spirit communicates using images that we understand, even if it feels like a memory, which surfaces out of nowhere.  Like most people, I wanted to do something constructive with it and I tried that first.  It soon became clear that there was no task to be completed.  Instead, I was to see where I had learned to be inauthentic.

These instances instilled in me a fear and a secret hurt that it was wrong for me to be who I am.  In the first instance, I learned that my truth wouldn’t be believed, and it made me feel insignificant.  In the second, my joy that was expressed in the form of laughter was not only unwelcome, but somehow offensive and ugly.

I learned to hide myself, and that I didn’t belong.  There are more instances, including the one where I excitedly told my class about the time my grandmother came to see me after she died.  Each one brought about more feelings of being unacceptable and was followed by more isolation.  My parents worried about me as a child because I had a tendency to want to spend time with adults rather than play with the kids my own age.  I still have that tendency to this day, and I think it’s because I have always been fascinated with older peoples’ stories- you know, the things that make them who they are. Kids didn’t talk like that.

As a result of this kind of conditioning, over time, I’ve found that I prefer being alone much of the time, and also to be very selective with who I let into my life.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

These feelings of rejection, judgement, shame and being cast aside, no matter how much you try to push these down, demand to be seen.  It is only when you sit with them, and talk with them, that you understand who you are and how you came to be.  From there, you have choices you didn’t have before, because you become aware.

If you know me at all, you know I do not like games, and I don’t play them.  I won’t.  I make decisions on the company I keep based on a few very important criteria.  First, I trust my gut and my inner knowing.  I’ve learned the hard way that it is my only truth.  Second, I look into a person’s energy for authenticity.  There are other factors, as well.

I share this with you to let you know that being more aware, psychic, spiritual, etc, does not make your path any easier.  I also share because I know how lonely it is to be authentic in a world that does not always appreciate that quality.  It keeps us from being who we are, and knowing who we are.  It also keeps us from really admitting what we want, love and need in this world.  We’re so busy working hard to get the house and the car that we don’t realize these things don’t matter to us. Sometimes losing these things is a huge blessing.  When you are without, is when you truly know what matters.

Embrace yourself today.  And if no one else tells you- you matter.

Today’s card, from the Sacred Rebels Oracle by Alana Fairchild.

~ by healingstarspirit on September 19, 2018.

Posted in My story
Tags: authenticity, childhood trauma, Fake world, learning to hide who you are, you matter