Alone

Every once in a while I write about something very personal, as I think it’s important to understand that living an intuitive life doesn’t mean you have all the answers. You still have to go through the experiences- good and bad- which is the whole reason you incarnate in human form.

Today I’m swimming in a sea of realization that many of the people who I thought were my friends are not. Some were nice to me to size me up, just in case I was some sort of professional or social threat. Some needed something that I was good at without having to pay for it on their own, such as massage, connecting to a loved one in spirit, or listening without judgement. The things I’ve always given freely with my heart have become things I no longer take pleasure in giving, not because I don’t want to give, but because my giving has resulted in my personal energy depletion and being discarded when the person got their fill.

As a ‘giver’ by nature, I cannot tell you the amount of hurt, disappointment and loneliness I’ve experienced by something that has been a joy for me to be. At several points in my life, I’ve crossed paths with people who decided that I have low self esteem, due to the amount of giving and putting myself out there they witnessed. They were and still are wrong. What they saw is a person who gives unconditionally. My giving heart does not weigh my giving, as if it is some sort of transaction. I’ve given to people who had nothing to give back in return without even thinking that thought until now, as I reflect on my past. The only condition my giving has ever had is the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is one expression of this rule, and other is how Jesus taught it “Love thy neighbor as thy self.” When I see someone who is genuinely in need and struggling, I think to myself how easily that person could be me.

The last couple of years have brought so much struggle, especially with Covid-19 and the restrictions that it mandated for all of us. Being backed in a corner will cause the same reaction in nearly all living things. We revert to survival, and it’s every man for himself. I watched supposedly loving people turn into hateful, selfish creatures. Those around me who would be constantly promoting love and light suddenly began to post horrific things on social media. Many I have had to unfollow or unfriend, and though they may not realize it, the way they acted out was not only seen but felt, and I will never see them the same way again.

I feel I was brought up with good values, and a great moral compass, but after all that I’ve seen and experienced I have really had to hold back and deny myself the one thing that I know I was born to do. As a result, I spend most of my time alone, and the rest in a state of emotional self-defense. I’m hyper-aware that there is a motive for every action, and up until recently I had mistakenly taken for granted that most people are not like me in that they have a hidden agenda.

If you are reading this, then something in your energy field must resonate with it. You may be triggered by this, and that’s okay too. Remember this, everything is about you and your experiences. You may, at times, be able to be neutral and observe, but other times you will be in the thick of it without any ability to see what’s really happening from a higher perspective. I’m not immune to it either, believe me. Perhaps you will read this as a kindred spirit on a similar journey and feel less alone. Perhaps you will become angered and judgmental of my experience. In either case, I wish you a good journey, and my only hope is for you to connect to another human on this planet who is struggling just as you are. I hope you will see yourself in my struggle, knowing that what I’m dealing with could easily befall you too, and not judge me too harshly.

~ by healingstarspirit on April 20, 2021.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: