Alone
Every once in a while I write about something very personal, as I think it’s important to understand that living an intuitive life doesn’t mean you have all the answers. You still have to go through the experiences- good and bad- which is the whole reason you incarnate in human form.
Today I’m swimming in a sea of realization that many of the people who I thought were my friends are not. Some were nice to me to size me up, just in case I was some sort of professional or social threat. Some needed something that I was good at without having to pay for it on their own, such as massage, connecting to a loved one in spirit, or listening without judgement. When it became clear that I wasn’t being valued as a person, but a resource, it definitely affected me.
Giving is a source of joy for me, and in all of my past relationships and work environments, I’ve been called upon when someone needs help. It came so naturally to me, it crossed my mind that it was being seen as currency by many of these people. I was told that because I tend to be a giver, I must have low self esteem, but those same people will also call me selfish if I do something they don’t get a benefit from as a result. That’s some judgemental transactional BS right there. I cannot change my nature, and I will not weigh my giving, as if it is some sort of currency in a transaction. I’ve given to people who had nothing to give back in return without a second thought. The only condition my giving has ever had is the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” or if you prefer, “Love thy neighbor as thy self.” When I see someone who is genuinely in need and struggling, I think to myself how easily that person could be me. The constant bombardment of opinions and judgements wore me down over time to where I stopped explaining myself.
The last couple of years have brought so much struggle, especially with Covid-19 and the restrictions that it mandated along with the politics that I’ve made it a point not to discuss for obvious reasons. Being backed in a corner will cause the same reaction in nearly all living things. We revert to survival, and it’s every man for himself. I watched supposedly loving people turn into hateful, selfish creatures. Those around me who would be constantly promoting love and light suddenly began to post horrific things on social media. Many I have had to unfollow or unfriend, and though they may not realize it, the way they acted out was not only seen but felt, and I will never see them the same way again. It reminded me that I need to be mindful of something said by a character on Game of Thrones:
I feel I was brought up with good values, and a great moral compass, but after all that I’ve seen and experienced I have really had to hold back and deny myself the one thing that I know I was born to do. As a result, I spend most of my time alone, and the rest in a state of emotional self-defense. I’m hyper-aware that there is a motive for every action, and up until recently I had mistakenly taken for granted that most people are not like me in that they have a hidden agenda. Sometimes I wonder if I’m at a disadvantage for not thinking the way everyone else seems to be, but then I remember I chose not to play the game because I do not want to contribute to that body of energy.
If you are reading this, then something in your energy field must resonate with it. You may be triggered by this, and that’s okay too. Remember this, everything is about you and your experiences. You may, at times, be able to be neutral and observe, but other times you will be in the thick of it without any ability to see what’s really happening from a higher perspective. I’m not immune to it either, believe me. Perhaps you will read this as a kindred spirit on a similar journey and feel less alone. Perhaps you will become angered and judgmental of my experience. In either case, I wish you a good journey, and my only hope is for you to connect to another human on this planet who is struggling just as you are. I hope you will see yourself in my struggle, knowing that what I’m dealing with could easily befall you too, and not judge me too harshly.
Confessions of a Spirit Messenger 